Marc Ellerby

I've returned, mother effs.

Wow, so having no internet fucking SUCKS.

So, moved in. It's nice, we're near the sea and there's no chavs for at least a 20 minute walk (which by Essex standards is pretty good). I haven't done much, really, apart from seeing Broken Social Scene (win!) and go to comic conventions, so I guess it's the later I'll be chatting about today...

Firstly, thank you to everyone who added me from discovering me at Bristol and Camden. I hope you enjoy my constant stream of absolute arse. Bristol was great, I like that show a lot. Camden was great too, a real surprise, but Oli put on a great show and I can't wait for the next one. Here's a video from Camden, I'm in a bunch of times, I'M EVEN SPAZZING DANCING...



What's emerged is how well me and McKelvie work together, though we're calling one another a prick every other minute, it's nice to finally get a chance to work conventions with him and we're kind of like minded? Plus he's SO GAY FOR ME.

Here are a few photos from Bristol, but check Flickr for loads more.










(cor!)

















Also worth checking out is John's flickr. It was great to finally meet John and I hope he comes out to cons more often (PLEASE JOHN!)

Page 45 have said very nice things about Ellerbisms Vol One. Which you can buy from me direct.

Ellerbisms vol one (£2-99, self-published) by Mar Ellerby. If you follow the link you'll find this on-line, but you want one for your coffee table as well, right? To amuse your friends while you fall drunkenly into your prized shrubbery. This is an equally confessional series of diary strips, only much funnier - even the excruciatingly painful trip to the Sexual Health Clinic (your eyes will water, boys). Lots of music and lusting and self-deprecation, Marc is effortlessly charming throughout. You really need to see his refreshingly clear and engaging cartooning as well, but if this helps send you back to that link, so be it.

"Oh man!
"What?"
"I've well done this Sudoku wrong! Now I've gotta tear it out so no one sees it and thinks I'm a giant prick."

"I just don't "get" Art, y'know."
"Oh, there's not much to "get" really. Just associate different things with certain aspects. Apart from this... This is shit."

I also got a nice mention and some artwork featured in the latest issue of Imagine FX a Sci-Fi & Fantasy arts magazine, which were covering comics for an issue (the pretty much should've renamed it "The Iron Man and Jamie McKelvie issue" but whatever) Here's some pichars from there (click to enlarge, innit) thanks to Kieron Gillen for setting that up.









Also, Phil Bond just favourited an Ellerbism on flickr (OMG!) Simon Bisley growled at Anna at Bristol (ew...) sigh, I love comics sometimes. Time for an egg sandwich. OM!

Hey,

I've been quiet, I know, but I just moved in with my girlfriend so it's been a bit hectic the last...well...month.

I'm making this a quick one as I'm on "borrowed" wireless, but I'll be at the Bristol Expo this weekend sharing a table with Jamie McKelvie, Kieron Gillen and John Cei Douglas. I'm bringing everything with me, including Love The Way You Love Vol 1 - the trade collection of the first three issues and a brand new postcard/bookmark thing. Exciting times!

Richard at the Forbidden Planet blog has reviewed all of my mini comics here, so take a look. There's a complaint about the shortness of Ellerbisms that I never thought much about until recently. Hmmm.

Also, IRON MAN WAS AMAZING.

I can't get used to using a Swedish keyboard. This is nuts!

http://comlexia.blogspot.com/

"Back in October I went to the Birmingham International Comic Show and whilst there I had the opportunity to meet the Writer/Illustrator of Polar Opposites. He sold me on the comic by telling me its about two penguins, one who is “homophobic bastard” and the other who’s not a “homophobic bastard” and what they get up too."

...

"All in all a great quality read at a bargain price! 5 out of 5"

Read what else Marcus has to say on those bloody stupid mammals. Then maybe go BUY ONE.

Please note, don't follow the Marc Ellerby lead and use the word "homophobic" to sell your comic.

To carry on from the pervious entry, here's a review of Venal Muse from Stephen Holland over at Page 45 (it references the review that goes above it, in case you're wondering...)

****

Venal Muse (£4-50, self-published) by Marc Ellerby. No such short-comings here, in a home-grown outing that takes the same themes as the above - ex-girlfriend as a muse - on a more mischievous journey, as Marc Ellerby, a host whose company you'll really enjoy, meditates on his own inspiration in an account of his on/off long-distance then close-at-home relationship with a girl called Holly. The presentation, to camera, is like a jaunty, music-loving Scott McCloud, walking and talking his way through his own story with a disarming acknowledgement that it's a personal tale, but one which I suspect you'll find much in common with ("I made her cards. Mix CDs. Comics. You know, the usual."). The last thing Marc could ever be is pompous, or even pretentious - you'll see what I mean in the last line in this passage:
"We travelled to see one another as often as we could. But soon the distance became too much.
"Our love, though in hindsight never went out, was soon replaced with spite. [On the phone: "No! I didn't mean it like that!"] And so we broke up.
"It was a joint decision. But such is the way these things go... after a few weeks I wanted her back.
"She, however, found someone else.
"My ship had truly bloody sailed."
There's the occasional dash of the emblematic too, like the panel shortly afterwards in which he shows himself bearing a placard in public that says "Dumped". "Spare a hug?" he begs a complete stranger in glasses and a suit, who retorts, "Don't touch me."

****

Page 45, folks.

Reading Festival Review

Sunday

The third and final part of the puzzle.

Boy Kill Boy - Radio 1 Tent. Oh these guys would be loved by NME. Seriously, you can imagine those little cokehead no talent hacks digging this pretty OKAYish shit. It's not bad as such, it's just painfully 2005. Angular guitars, a bit of synth, funny hat. Yadda Yadda.

Art Brut - Radio 1 Tent. ART BRUT. TOP OF THE POPS. ART BRUT. TOP OF THE POPS. ART BRUT. TOP OF THE POPS. ART BRUT. TOP OF THE POPS. ART BRUT. TOP OF THE POPS.

Hot Chip - Dance Tent. I think Holly and I were expecting something not so dull, maybe something to do dance to, not this really boring dance music with a short guy in a Black Sabbath t-shirt with stupid sunglasses on whispering at us. YAWN.COM

The Rakes - Radio 1 Tent. It's well documented that there was an indie love in during the Rakes' performance as their lead singer was ill. Maximo Park's singer, Russell from Bloc Party, both pitched in and it sounded pretty good. I've listened to the album quite recently and yeah, as I suspected, it sucks big time. But the show was pretty special, I'm not a fan of the Rakes, Maximo Park and I've gone off Bloc Party quite a bit, but if you did love all of them, you'd probably shoot your load all over your £2 pair of grey trousers you brought from Oxfam while clutching your copy of Artrocker.

Alkalkine Trio - Main Stage. We saw these guys coz Holly needed the toilet and we were walking past. They weren't bad, I have one of their albums, the one with Private Eye on it. They're pretty poppy but it works you know, the kids love the make up, the black shirts yadda yadda. Although why Green Day are trying to look like them so much I do not know.

Test-Icicles - Carling Tent. Fuck yeah! There were these Slayer fans, and these pissed up fellas from Manchester and they got into a giant circle pit that had about 5 people in it. Get this though! On stage the band had a drum kit set up, with microphones pointing at it and everything, but no one was playing it and there was a drum track going on in the background. It was a little bit scene for my liking, but the guys got killer tunes.

Four Tet - Dance Tent. I have some small issues with dance music being played live because 9/10 it's not done with live instruments and it's one guy with a selection of drum pads and keys and reproducing the album, live. That's what happened with Four Tet.
I love Four Tet, his output is constantly high and pushes the genre a little bit forward with every new release. Live, however, was boring as.

Battle - Carling Tent. Finally the answer is clear. Battle are the goddamn awful fucking whiney Bloc Party wannabes. Battles however are the buisness, but they didn't play. Battle bored my mind into other places, Holly went looking for Kit Kats and to be honest that was the highlight of this turgid show.

British Sea Power- Radio 1 Tent. Caught the very end of BSP. THEY HAD A GUY IN A BEAR SUIT ON STAGE AND I MISSED MOST OF IT! Still can't seem to get in to that new album....

LCD Soundsystem - Radio 1 Tent. Me and Holls saw them last year and they were totally, utterly amazing, mainly because we danced our bodies into the ground. This time, they were equally good and we equally danced our bodies into the ground. Luckily we got an okay crowd to dance with us, although most of the pople there were waiting for Futureheads and Bloc Party. We got this great thing going with James Murphy. The crowd wanted water from the security guards as it was so hot, so we were waving to get their attention, but James thought we were waving at him. He was like "What are you doing? Are you waving?" Then we waved at him and he waved back and he was like "I could get used to this, this is fun!" then I shouted "WAVE AT ME, JAMES!" and we waved at eachother!

Futureheads - Radio 1 Tent. I've loved the 'Heads for ages now, I got their early EPs that were released on Fantastic Plastic, seen them a handfull of times, but this was the first proper chance I had to really show my love for them.

Holls and I were quite close to the front, but as most over crowded tents have a tendency to sway and shove and everyone's falling on eachother, we moved back a bit, where this bald guy in a kilt was trying to get a giant circle going. So a few of us, including bennowhereman who we just bumped into a bunch of times throughout the day, we started a circle pit and it was the most funniest, danceable almost loving circle pit I've ever been in. Seriously, it was hilarious, one point me and Ben were dancing in slow mo in the middle of the pit during really quiet bits and then when everything kicked off, go mental, there was even a kid in there with us, he must of been about 14, he held his own with us and we all looked out foreachother. It got a little bit too mental near the end, but then that usually happens. I done my Kaiser Chiefs dance throughtout though, which invloves me throwing my hands up in the air and moving on one leg. My only complaint was that it could of been a bit more girl friendly.

The songs? Oh yeah...urm, yeah they were great, Hounds of Love echoed throughout the tent, every song of theirs is a pogo dance waiting to happen, god bless the Futureheads and their 3 minute pop belters.

Didn't see Bloc Party. Have been disappointed by their live shows far too many times now. Me and Holly went back to our tent to be all cute and coupley.

Reading Festival 2005

Firstly I missed the most important band of the day out of my Friday Update...

Death From Above 1979- Radio 1 Tent. WOW. I can't believe I neglected to mention these guys because they were one of the best things about the whole festival. Not only are they very sexy men, not only is there just TWO of them up on stage making all that noise, not only do they have about a thousand awesome ways to start songs gorgeous people go and see them. Seriously, the crowd were all stunners. Luckily, these beautiful people can also dance, more importantly Holly was totally dancing her little arse off, jesus, it was hot as.

Anyway...onwards with

Saturday

Puggy - Carling Tent. With a name like Puggy, we should of known better to stay in fucking bed.

Youth Group - Carling Tent. I enjoyed them, though Holly was being all "Jog on, these are shit." They're a bit samey after a while, but they've got sundrenched acoustic tunes and that's what I wanted at that time in the morning.

Clor - Carling Tent. God, these guys were TERRIBLE. The lead singer looked like that guy from Cast! God they're all really ugly come to think of it. The songs? Fuck the songs were this horrible amalgamation of....utter...UTTER SHIT but with that Franz Ferdinand hook that's so popular these days. I wouldn't mind if they were ugly but their songs were great, because at least that way you could dance, but if you can't bear to look at them, let alone hear them, what else have you got to do apart from look at your feet hoping that they'll take you away soon (luckily they did.) You know what was the worst part? People were actually clapping?! DON'T ENCOURAGE THEM!

Biffy Clyro - Main Stage. Fuck! These guys are good! I've always, ALWAYS been disappointed by Biffy Clyro albums, but live, they take on a whole new dimension. The songs seem fuller and it was really warming to see a band pack out the main stage and with banners and flags saying "MON THE BIFFY!" The sound was good, the energy was ecstatic, the new stuff sounded raw and ready to go. Excellent.

Million Dead - Lock Up Tent. This show was really important for me as I love Million Dead and I was so pleased to see them on the bill after getting told time and time again that they're not allowed to play Reading because of a shit Smiths cover they did a few years ago. Anyway, the sound wasn't great, but the performance was solid, they're so fucking into what they do. Brilliant renditions of BSE, Plan B and I am the Party. A lot of stuff left out including their ace last single After the Rush Hour. It was however spoilt by some guy who I called "Elbows McGraw" who had his elbows up by his ears (!!!!!!!!) and was bashing everyone, including Holly, in the head. He went crowdsurfering and I went "let's get this cunt out of here" and whacked him on the back of the head with a bottle. Holly had a migraine for the rest of the day which put a downer on things.

Dinosaur JR - Main Stage. I can imagine that if I cared enough about them in the first place, this would of been amazing. I know nothing about D.JR though apart from that Spike Jonze video. So I didn't care either way.

beyourownPET - Carling Tent. Amazing stuff! Let's get the formalities out the way. One, they're young, like 16/17. Two, they're fronted by a girl. Three the bass player is white and he's got an afro. Right, this band are simply one of the best live experiences ever. Which is weird to say because they weren't on for long and I know only the stuff they've released. They spazzed themselves all over the stage, moaning that they were so far away from the audience (I need to see them at the 100 Club or something, that would be immense) jerked and spiked their way from an amazing display of talent and confidence. Ze pit was all types of crazy dancing!

Hot Hot Heat - Radio 1 Tent. The lead singer's afro is still too big and curly and only Bandages really excited me. That new album was a sticky poo-poo.

Arcade Fire - Radio 1 Tent. Oh. My. God. You either don't get this band, or you love them with every inch of your life. It's that clear cut. Okay, what I said about Be your own Pet being one of the best live experiences ever, well.....Arcade Fire trump that. They
burst onto the stage with green light, they use eachother as instruments, there's 8/9 of them, they're all interacting with eachother, singing their lungs out and proudly presenting their work to a crowd of people who look like hairy librarians in their pyjamas. It was amazing.

Sleater Kinney- Carling Tent. Caught one song of theirs, but what a song. It was offa the new album and was excellent. Holly had a migraine still though. We had an arguement around the time of.....

Kings of Leon - Main Stage. And she walked off. K.O.L? What a drag. I like them but it didn't really work on a stage that huge. Felt like the end was never going to happen.

Foo Fighters - Main Stage. Okay, so what is up with Dave Ghrol? Seriously at the end of everysong he was screaming and shouting, rather than finishing a line. EVERY. SONG. Example....

"Stacked dead actors, sent to the rafters, line up the bastALRIGHT!HEREWEGO!HEREITCOMESARRRRRRGGGHH!

"You're not the one but you're the only one who can make me feel HEREITCOMES
RAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGGGGGH!"

Here comes what Dave? This growl that you can't really do? This half arsed Slayer attempt? Shut the fuck up, sing the song properly. Go back and try again and do it like you did at Brixton all those years ago, back when I was in college and it was one of the best gigs of my youth because you are Dave Ghrol and were the fucking man and Monkey Wrenched soundtracked every single morning, not this, stop taking yourself so goddamn seriously. Stop trying to be so "rawk."

The Go! Team - Carling Tent. The best headliners are always on the smaller stages. I saw British Sea Power two years ago instead of Metallica and that was the perfect ending to my weekend. This band are the complete opposite to the Ghrolgrowl on the mainstage, the lead singer, short, black, female, rapping with the crowd, encouraging participation, she's so so happy you can see her cheeks light up as she bounces around the stage. Their songs are sundrenched, Beach Boys, Avalanches, Beastie Boys inspired bursts of gorgeous pop music. Every song they throw at us, and it is so like they're chucking everything they've got at us, could be a number one single if we weren't living in a world of McFly or 2"Oh look at me, I'm dead!"Pac. New stuff sounded preeeeeeeeeeeeeeetty hot.

Reading 2005.

Friday.

I've already typed this up once but trust old Livejournal to shit it out into nowheresland...

Anyway here are my thoughts and stuff about Reading 2005...in order of viewing and in three daily instalments.

Do Me Bad Things. Main Stage -Not only is this like 7th rate Scissor Sisters, but get this! These guys have a METAL edge. WOW! That doesn't stop them from completley sucking though. You'd think that by getting some ginger metal guy to do some deep vocals now and again it'd be fine, but you're wrong! SO WRONG!

Yourcodenameismilo. Radio 1 Tent - Something never really sat right with these guys, their heart's in the right place, don't get me wrong, they want to do experimental guitar music which is above the norm. But it's just really repititive, doesn't really
go anywhere and needs to be much, much HEAVIER. What was with that girl keyboardist who would do that stupid shoulders back, head up dance and yet not actually press any damn buttons on her keyboard? Stupid. Cow.

The Blood Brothers. Radio 1 Tent -The guys weren't really that up for it, you could tell never have I heard the words"Yeah so thanks for coming out, we really appreciate it" sound so half arsed. Despite their tiredness (?) and the lack of sound for Johnny's mic (oh no mister sound man, all we want to hear is the kick drum, you're right!) they still managed to put on an visually impressive show and the pit was stupid crazy, but I pulled my HXE moves out of my scene pocket and threw them bitches DOWN!

The Dead 60's. Radio 1 Tent- I can't even remember why these guys sucked so bad, they just did.

Graham Coxon. Main Stage- Previewed some new songs, most notably "I can't look at your skin, because it's doing me in." He's still doing that "shy librarian looking at the floor when speaking to the crowd" sort of thing, but oh Graham that's why we love you.

The Blood Arm. Carling Tent- Managed to catch the last two songs and when I turned up the singer was somewhere in the audience jumping around. Amazing! The songs were killer too, nothing like they are on their site. Then for the last song the singer was all
like climbing up the railings of the tent. I'm a easy man to please, but it just made everything so exciting.

We Are Scientists. Carling Tent - Woah, holly shit I must of missed something! These guys are getting huge! There was like a legion of people singing their songs that I've never heard of and I thought I'd be the cool indy scene guy going "Yeah I downloaded the MP3 you fucking cocks! Smoke on this!" and then start dancing to Nobody Move, Nobody Get Hurt. Well, they sucked anyway, not that the songs weren't good, I mean they're okay, but the performance was just sorta...there. Nothing happened. Next!

Elbow. Main Stage- Caught like one new song and it was boring as. I like Elbow a lot, so I won't dismiss just yet. However, I saw Jo Whiley, she squints in real life just as much as she does on like the telly! Nasty knees though....

Fightstar. Radio 1 Tent - I peaked in to see the onslaught of bottles and the emo riffage and then chuckled to myself and left. You know if Charlie hadn't of been in Busted, the emo kids who like Taking Back Sunday and all that malarky would totally love Fightstar! Here's the emo checklist: Quite Hot lead singer. Check. HUGE FUCKING RIFFS. Check. Fat Guy. Check. Lots of swearing. Ch-fucking-eck.

My Chemical Romance - Radio 1 Tent. Okay, yeah they're not for me. Infact, today was the worst selection of bands day wise. However you cannot argue with their stage presense, which is only beaten by Green Day. If I was 13 and getting into music I'd totally shitting love these guys. Green Day were my first band and MCR's show reminded me of them so much. Of course, it didn't stop them from having three good songs. I'M NOOOOOOOOT OKAAAAAAAAAAY!

Queens of the Stoneage - Main Stage. Whereas it was enjoyable, the last time I saw the Queens play it blew my ear drums away. This time, something was missing and yeah it's easy to say that something was Nick Oliveri....and yeah that was exactly what was missing. Saying all that though, Little Sister's grown on me since the first time I went "What is this the Strokes MK2?"

The Pixies- Main Stage. Wow. The whole thing was mindblowing. I was in the middle of the crowd singing my heart out as Charles was belting out his scream with as much venom and girth as it sounded on Surfer Rosa. I saw them at Brixton last year, but for some reason I got more into them this time around, or perhaps it was equal, I can't remember to be honest. But get this! There was a great bit during Vamos where everything starts to break down and Joe begins his feedback onslaught, you know the bit. Anyway, Joe places his guitar on his stand and the thing's going ape shit, but just standing there, Joe then turns to Dave (drums) and gets his attention and then claps, Dave then throws him one of the drum sticks he was playing with and continues playing. Joe then whacks the guitar with the drum stick he just caught for a few minutes, then throws the drumstick BACK to Dave and Dave catches it with one hand WHILE STILL PLAYING and then CONTINUES as if nothing happened.

HOLY SHIT!

The songs were all there and as predicted the stuff off the last two albums were greeted with "huhs?" and "oh not THIS one," Kim Deal was cool as fuck standing there smoking near the drums while her head bounces as she plays her bass. God I love the Pixies.

Coming Up: Saturday and Sunday...

Marc's big bastard Reading 2004 Review

No, not a comic. But lots of HTML.

FRIDAY!

Right, first off Taking back Sunday on the main stage. I get dragged there (I have to empathise that point, for myself more than anything) and god, what is this? Is this supposed to be good? There's some pamby singer who just limps around stage with his hair covering his face mumbling something incoherent while some guy does that annoying screamo shouty thing every other sentence. You know the type of shouty thing. MYEYESAREFULLOFTEAAAAAAARS. COMEBRINGMESOMEMAARRRRRRLLLLLLLLLK. At one point, the annoying screamo guitarist shouty guy in between songs asks the crowd how they're doing....but how does he do it? HOWSEVERYONNEEEDOIIAAAARRRHGHGHGHHGHGHHGHHN?
But where are the songs? They're buried under shouty guitar man, that's where they are, because that's the only fucking thing I can hear. Waste. Of. Everyone's. Time.

Then it's Ikara Colt on the Radio One stage. They sound great on record, but this?? This is turd. Where's the sound? Where are the vocals? Hey sound man! Yeah, check your job description...SOUND man...not MUMBLE man or CAN'T HEAR A THING man. hollypops made a very good point that this could of been a band rehearsal, it was so lifeless. Anything good come of it? Hot girls playing instruments, although, not enough to sustain my interest.

We then went over to the Dance tent and saw a few songs of Format and Abdominal but it really wasn't my thing, I can't get rap and I can't get MC-ing, so I stop trying to force myself (I was there just to spend time with Holls to be honest) and I go and see Pink Grease in the Carling tent, but that's crap on a stick, so I go and see Hundred Reasons on the main stage, and that's EVEN WORSE! I used to love this band, now, gawd, go away you plebbies, you're boring! What happened to I'll find you making me want to start circle pits with backpack wearing and moshing it up with the kidz? Am..I..too....OLD?

So not off to a great start, eh?

After a morning of pukingly bad bands, it's refreshing to see the Subways on the Carling tent, who do no brain rock and roll ala first album Von Bondies and have the swagger, swing and appeal that Jet only wish they had. Blistering pop songs like "1 am" chime out and it's as if garage rock got a little more interesting again. The Departure follow and the front man has the stage charisma of Morrisey while the rest of the band knock out Joy Division sounding songs of utter misery..but you know....poppy! I like em. Next! Pretty Girls make Graves and the return of MUMBLE MAN! Hey Andrea, you've got an amazing voice and an inspiring set of lyrics ready to deliver to us young whipersnappers, but, OH MY, CAN WE HEAR YOU???? CAN WE HEAR ANYTHING YOU WERE SINGING? The shouts (from me) to "SORT THE SOUND OUT" go un-noticed and the set although musically amazing, just suffered from poor vocal sound.

So, onto the highlight of the entire weekend. Which looking back, I'm in two minds about. One, the highlight came on the first day, and for Holly and I, I think we were let down by everything else that we saw. No one could match the intensity and mind fuckingly awesome sounds of LCD and later on !!! The LCD set, although plagued with flu and messed up equipment (apparently) was exactly the type of band you go to Reading and see. A band that totally surprises you, that you have low expectations of and get blown out of the water. Amazing. You could hear all the instruments, all the blips, the beats, the riffs, the lines, the vocals, everything was clear, crisp and danceable. Next, !!!, who freaked the shit out of the Holls and I, but yes, yes YES!!! Woooooasrarrrgh! The main singer, whoever, jumping into the audience, onto the dj table in front of the stage, gyrating the poles of the tent, buggering off, coming back, dancing, jumping, yelping, oh me OH MY! An amazing set, not a let down at all, took a while to get into, but band of the weekend? Close, that still belongs to LCD, but god, seeing both bands right after each other was spot on bliss.

I miss Soulwax because LCD took an extra half an hour to set up, so I go and see Mclusky do their shouty raaaa everyone dance thing over on the Carling tent. Good spaz dancing, although, didn't know too many of the songs, always a downer I suppose. Lightsabre cock sucking blues, however sounded marvellous.

After that, I catch a bizarre bit of Super Furry Animals and Goldy Lookin' Chain, and it was pants, but still a bit more entertaining than Graham Coxon who for some reason is headlining the Radio One tent. It doesn't work. Graham's nervous looking at the floor, mumbling at the crowd, doesn't cut it, the songs are OKAY, but they don't sound right, it seems like they can't be bothered? Still, Graham's still one of the best guitarists I've seen, and isn't afraid to throw his (puny) body and get into the music. But something's missing. Something just ain't right.

SATURDAY!!!

Read Yellow. Hello! It seems like only myself and handful of people know your songs, so on behalf of everyone, apologies for not dancing too much. Radio One tent, 12pm, everyone's sorta of slumping, apart from the Holls and I who got a good night's sleep, how'd we manage that? Anyway, yes, Read Yellow, do their shouty thrash pop rock garage metal shindig and it pulls off, with an explosion of energy that sadly makes you think "are you putting this on?" but still, the songs are good, so that's all that matters. Bloc Party straight after..one word...HYPE. The tent is full, people know about three songs and whisper stuff like "this is AMAZING" because they're told to by the NME and by Zane Lowe. The songs? They're good. Better than what I remember, but still, the stale air of hype of the wiff of "I've seen better this weekend" still lingers throughout the tent. However, they're ace musicians, can't fault them on that, their playing is immaculate.
The Bronx. Oh hello trucker cap wearing tart fuck-wits with your precious digital camera that you're only taking along with you so you can take funny angled photos of yourself sucking on a lollypop and plaster them onto Myspace so you can feel proud when boybandguitarist from Lostprophets adds you as a "buddy." THANKS A BUNCH FOR STANDING RIGHT NEAR ME FLASHING YOUR CAMERA AT ANY GIVEN POINT! THANK YOU! SO! SO! MUCH! The Bronx? Okay, they're ace, I'd jump around but the kids are "ripping that pit up" so I stay put. White Tar sounds muchos fun though.
After The Bronx, Holly then takes me over to see The Johnny B show, otherwise known as Razorlight on the main stage. What's up there? Is that a band, all I can see is a massive EGO clouding my vision. Johnny Borell is a full of it prat who takes his shirt and runs around at the barrier literally lapping up the ladies screams and tears, he's an Iggy Pop wanabe who craves and demands attention. However, those songs. They're guilty pleasures, and that's the thing about Razorlight, you've got a loud mouth attention seeker arsehole of a front man who can knock out a brilliant tune like Rock and Roll eyes and god, it pisses you off when you like it, because you know, you really, really shouldn't, as if you met him, you'd want to bottle his face in. Brought Holly an ice cream, I think we had a hug or two during the set.
Next...nothing. I meet up with Jo. Hooray. My Reading wasn't great for various reasons, those who have been following will know why, but seeing Jo was excellent because it was the first time all weekend I think I was myself and I wasn't dying deep down inside. She made me feel really comfortable, and plus, we're not the most serious of people so FUNNNNNNN was had.
Next? Duke Spirit. Yes good, marvellous, can hear everything, lady singer has got a voice to melt nazi butter and her seductive lips and hip combo just leave me in absolute awe. Do I have a new crush? Yeeeeeeeeeeah I do.
After D.S I go and secure my place for the spazmoshtakeyourparnterbythehand antics of Eighties Matchbox B-line disaster, who I was muchos looking forward to (one of my favourite bands, FYI) so I'd just like to say THANK YOU to MUMBLE MAN and VARIOUS SKINHEADS who totally ruined everything, with the lack of vocals (because hey, who needs to hear the singer when all you can hear is the kick drum and the bass?) and the BNP nazi scum (probably) skin heads who were shit kicking everyone. Well done. Your bastard mothers would be proud.
The Holls and I meet again, (Wooo!) and she takes me to see The Libertines on the main stage. Hey Carl! We know your best mate's a crack head and your friendship's turned into a tabloid double page spread, but if THIS is the kind of lazy, half arsed, spirit crushing performance you put on, I couldn't care less. What? What is this? Look up enthusiasm you daft cock, then APPLY TO YOURSELF, BECAUSE THIS IS SHIT! FUCKING EMOTE ALREADY YOU BASTARD!
Dillinger Escape Plan suffer from piss poor sound (what is up with this year's sound, come on, do your jobs!) but still, the mathgrindbuspirate-core antics of this bunch of loons entertain me no ends with my hoody up and foot tapping. I can't remember any of the songs, mainly because I haven't listened to the new album and only really like the Mike Patton stuff, but hooray for DEP for showing how to put on a show. What's that Carl Barat? You're still moaping around singing about What happened to the Likely Lads? STICK EM UP YOUR SPLEEN! YOU WANNA ROCK OR YOU WANNA BORE ME TO DEATH YOU OVERRATED SHITSTORM!

Blanche were cool, but not for me, sadly. The country twang had me stomping but too much and I got bored.

Horray for Morrissey. Bloody, HORRAY for that man. He rips into Radio One ("everyone boo radio one for not playing my last two singles") Emmerdale, Caversham police department ("Caversham, this song is NOT for you," before launching into "There is a light that never goes out.") Are you having fun Moz? Yeah, your quiff is bouncing and, blimey, good GOLLY MISS MOLLY. You start with HOW SOON IS NOW???????? My first and fondest Smiths song? Let's skip the date, let's move right onto making out you big man you!
White Strips were good too. They sung Maps by the YYYS, I had a sniffle for various hollypops reasons. Are they the new Led Zep? Well, Meg certainly aint (boom...boom...boom...boom) but Jack, even with a broken finger, his guitar playing is amazing, you've made me want a cuddle you two, how glad I am I came to see you tonight.

SUNDAY

I've seen the Futureheads once before and was blown away by how accurate they are with their vocals (x4) and their beats and riffs. Everything is well timed, everything sounds....smart? Everything's really good, although, early in the morning and a tired Marc hinders them from being fuck me fantastic.

Yourcodenameis Milo are okay. The new single "Steve" should be worth a listen, but it's all the garbage on that EP they brought out which hurts them. They sound better live and the songs take on a new meaning, but still, "Steve" was were the magic was in this set.

I join Holly in getting her phoned charged because there was NOTHING else to do. We chat and make banter with other people, I am funny, she is sexy, together we are the greatest conservationists in the world. Although, I'm only confident when I'm around her. On my own, I'm that bumbling mumbling fool that everyone's grown to loathe.

Sons and Daughters I can't remember much about, other than the fact I liked them. Holly said they sounded shit (from outside the tent) and I remember getting way pissy with her about that, so I must of liked them more than I thought..hmmm...

22-20s not as interesting as I've seen them before. Although that single Shoot your gun was one of the highlights for me, it's so foot tappingly catchy. But, the live show, was a bit boring to be honest, and those keys stand out a bit too much.

God, Sunday sucked, I'm struggling to think of anything good to say about anyone.

British Sea Power suffered from the MUMBLEQUIET man but I think my enthusiasm got the better of me and I jumped and I jumped and I rocked that pit out! Wooo! I love British Sea Power, I think I once compared them to Last of the Summer wine but with amps, which I'll stick with.

Devenda Banhart played for about 25 minutes while sitting down and then fucked off, because Reading "wasn't his thing." And that's all I can remember about it really, because the songs didn't shine through. The voice did, just not the songs.

The Others are a giant in-joke which I'm not a part of.

Von Bondies were mediocre.

Supergrass were great for Richard III and Moving, but not much else. I did however coin a great new phrase, "WHAT IS THIS A LIBRARY, COME ON READING, FUCKING DANCE!" Hahaha, that was slightly dickish of me, non?

I went back to my tent and it all got a bit too much for me to handle.

So, Reading 2004. You were wonderful at times, but for most of it, I didn't really know what to say to you. You were distant and quiet, and you couldn't give me what I wanted. Dare I say, but I think it's over between us.

Honourable mentions to Laura and her mate Ben (?) for dances and hugs. Muchos appreciated, as always.

Reading 2003

The main cast:

Myself.
Iain.
Craig.
Jo (lady)
Alan
Ally
Chris
Rachel

Supporting Cast:

Charlotte
Lau
Holly

Thursday:

Train journey was okay. We had a barbeque when we go there and I stole some burgers which made me feel a little grotty. Met a girl called Jo who was camping with us (she knew Alan and Ally who knew Iain and Craig who knew me, so...yes) and discovered a mutual love for Eddie Izzard quotes ("Are you drilling?") and Blur (we both agree on the love for "Sing") and she's a lot like weathered_tomb in a way. Mmmm. I went to bed early as I'm a giant wuss who lurrrrves his sleep. Even if it's sleeping on a bumpy grass floor with only a sleeping bag a tent for protection/comfort.

Friday:

I spend the day being vury tired. The day that I only want to see about 3 bands and also the day of Charlotte. So you can see why I might not of been looking forward to Friday that much. First band I see are a band that the programme has billed as "TBC" so I'm not sure who they are but they were okay for about 2 songs until their Darkness-esque cock rock became as interessting as their haircuts. I venture over to the Carling Tent which has a abnd called the Razorlights so it's a good thing I wasn't expecting much as they were only kind of okay. I venture back to to the Radio 1 tent for the guilty emo pleasure which were Saves the Day and was tre impressed, the lead singer also looks like me. I liked them, fuck you. After S.T.D (not THAT sort of STD) it was the total amboniation which was OK-fucking-GO. Utter wank. Charlotte texts me to see if I can "do her a favour." After 3 attempts to meet already due to crap signal and low battery and bad timing we meet before the Datsuns strut their leather, on the main stage, no less, and it turns out her mum packed her RANCID ticket not her READING ticket so had to buy a new Reading Friday day ticket and she asked me if I could lend her some money. Of course, I said yes, being the shmuck that I am, but fuck it, she was in a jam and I wanted to help her out, plus she fainted during Finch (I was going to say "well you shouldn't of seen such a sucky band," but that's probably not the best thing to say to someone who just fell ontop of loads of people in a pit.) Anyway, I see the Datsuns and was only midly impressed, can't really remember much apart from Lady and MF from Hell being the obvious stand out tracks, they've got a really good guitarist though. Anyway, after the Datsuns I sit with Charlotte and two of her recently found buddies (who we both agree on that the new Muse tracks are "fookin wonderful") and watch the most appauling, mediocre, piss hole that is the band called Staind, whose amp blew up and went acoustic for the rest of the 40 mins. "This fucking sucks" Arron Lewis saids after a track...we really couldn't agree more. I leave the main stage and Charlotte (who looked cuter than I've ever seen her, sunny weather seems to suit her) and see my friend Lau (who licked me and lent me her sun glasses.) We went to see Ladytron who were okay, if a little uninspiring, although Seventeen made me dance like a foo. Lau looked fit, sunny weather seems to suit her too. After Ladytron, Lau and her fella/friend/thingy Joe leaves me to my own devices and Electric Six who were soooooo fucking bad, what was worse was the crowd getting too into songs that they so obviously haven't heard before. They played Gay Bar and it was shit and then they added insult to injury and covered Radio Ga-Ga which was even worse. It's now 7.55 and the first proper decent band that I wanted to see come on, Interpol. The sun is setting which adds a nice atmosphere to the tent and rip through a set of "Turn on the bright lights" and a handfull of less Joy Division sounding new songs. It was glorious and I was on the barrier, a joyfull moment. Elbow next and they totally blew me away, I was not expecting them to sound that good, a solid band if there was ever one and the next album sounds amazing. They have wonky beards though. Speaking of beards, I couldn't spot the beardy guy from The Polyphonic Spree so I guess he must of had a shave. Anyway, you ever feel good about a gig? You come away with butterflies in your tummy, and you just want to hug everyone person you come across? No? Go see the Spree, amazing live, they weren't all Jesus-y all cultish which I thought they might of been, but no, everyone was jumping around, copying hand movements (I swear Tim DeLaughter is the only person in rock who can do any sort of obscure hand movement and get everyone in the crowd, and I do mean EVERYONE, to copy him) They played Soldier Girl and everyone was linking arms and jumping around. When they finished some guy asked me if I had seen them, hugged me and started to spew his love for them. There were people dressed in robes too and I became jealous.

Saturday:

My Saturday starts at 5.30am. Yes AM! When Charlotte asks me to walk her to the station. When I get to our meeting point I turn on my phone only to get a text telling me not to meet her at 5.30 but at 10.30 instead. When I leave Iain is still awake and when I get back Iain says to me "that was quick," my reply was "mumble mubmle 10.30" I can still hear his laughter as I drift back to sleep. Anyway, yes, took Charlotte to the station and was generally cute around her (yes I get the feeling she likes me, no I'll be damned if anythings going to happen.) Back to the bands, first band of the day are Stellarstarr* who I lurrrrve, they have a Pixies like sound and rock like a mutha. Next was My Morning Jacket who I fell alseep to (not really paying attention to Craig's advice about not falling alseep with contacts in, yuck it was gross) they were okay I guess, wasn't in the mood for country twang but could appreciate what they were doing. Next up was the hype machine overload which was Jet who called us "rawkin motherfuckaaaas" about 15 times, and generally acted like...uhrrr... rawkin motherfuckaaaaas. They were a bit samey, but their guitars were edgy and gritty, a Datsuns tribute band but with a sock in the trouser attitude. After Jet was quite possibly the greatest band of the weekend The Rapture who made me dance, and spaz out again, to their dirrrrty grooves of Ollio, Alienation and House of Jealous Lovers. People came away saying "everone is going to love this band next year," Next year? Everyone should love them NOW! I skipped over to the main stage for Doves who the audience didn't seem to tolerate and made me want to hurt them. The band rolled out everything they could and sounded sweet and soulful in the sun. Run back over to the R1 tent, see the last 2 songs of The Beach Boys sorry The Thrills and then its VOLTA time. Who were really dissapointing. Not their fault, they only had 45 minutes (which they did 3 songs!!!!) to do what they could, they crowd was bursting though, I heard bones I never thought I had snap and creak. Next up, Cooper Temple Clause who were bliding, and always have a good solid crowd. The band started off wonky but kicked it a new one with the new songs. Promises Promises, AIM, New Toys all sounding delicious. Yum. Next was the career high of Blur. Think Tank sounding perfect in the night, oldies like Tender being sung by 60,000 people , Parklife by Phil Daniels and Albarn on an acoustic (Tong, Coxon's guitar replacement not knowing how to play it) and the deafening finale of "This is a low," brought a tear to my eye and a leap to my jump. It would of been better with Coxon, we all knew that, but it was still an amazing set (2 hours, too, longer when I saw them at the Astoria) and a perfect way to end the perfect day.

Sunday.

I'm hungover and didn't realise I drank enough to get typsy. Jo reminds me about the Irish Meadow last night. Yucky. Today is known as "METALLICA DAY!!!!!!!!! so there's not one fucking band I want to see on the main stage with the exeption of System of a Down. More of which, later. The day starts with Cardia who are Ian Love from Rival School's new band and remind me of early Muse, but emo, so I'll coin a phrase and call them emose. They impressed me enough steal a badge off them after the gig. Next are Serafin at the R1 tent and were sickeningly baaaaaad. Too much zoip not enough omph. I fell asleep before The Raveonettes and was rudley awaken by people walking over me and clapping. I should of stayed alseep I would have had more fun that way. I leave four songs in and check out The Stills who musically took a giant shit on The Raveonettes and smeared in their Danish faces. Lovely songs, band wiffed of confidence too. The Stills end I run over to dance like a 80s pill popper to the NYC funk punk sounds of Radio 4 who may of had the song of the weekend in "Dance to the underground," with special guest Har Mar Superstar (complete with pink pants) on bongos. After that, The Eighties Matchbox B-Line disaster skull fucked me to death with their RAAGGGH! sounds of their album "Horse of the Dog," and there's nothing better than hearing 10,000 people in unison say "I WANNA FUCK YOUR MOTHER!" Next are Hell is for heroes who me and Iain spin each other round, quite bizarley, in the mosh pit and run into people, while immitating the drum sounds. Yes. Well. Iain leaves me to Hot Hot Heat and laughs at me, even though they might of been the band of the weekend if it wasn't for the guy wearing a hat infront of me. But yesssss, I lurrve their crazy yelping antics. Next is System of a Down and is a) brutal b) full of old bikers with devil tatoos c) dusty. My throat collected loads of dust that was rising from the ground and I nearly passed out so had to grab two bottles of water and return only to found that the pit was now a) more brutal b) full of kung fu kicking guys with rose tatoos c)eveeeen more dusty. But they were fun and made me feel like 16 years old again. The Yeah Yeah Yeahs refused to play Bang, Mystery Girl and Machine and instead played okay sounding new stuff but I still bounced around and screamed like the annoying guy you normally found at concerts. I then roam around for a while going between Metallica who had a wall of amps behind them to make up for the lack of good sounding new songs, before finally settling on seeing British Sea Power. At this point of the weekend my ears are hurting, my contacts are full of dust, my knees feel like they've been rippied out, stamped on and then put on backwards, but god almighty, I fucking enjoyed the hell out of B.S.P. They played nothing I knew and I think it was best like that, the smallest tent of the weekend and the smallest crowd of the closing night, the band played a set that was musically better than anything playing else and then had loads of tree branches and shubberies and fake owls on their amps. Marvelous. I leave the arena, return to my tent where the camping area has now turned into a fucking war zone with people blowing shit up, security confiscating glass bottles off people and people using steel bins and bowling ball pins (with themelves acting as the balls.) We all decided to go on a walk where we meet some guy slapping Iain's arse with a fake hand while yelling "Gay bar" at him, some dude who downed so much Vodka he forgot he's already met us about 3 times today (all in the previous 20 mins) and a girl called Holly. Who a) gives the nicest hugs in the world b) is hella emo c) has the nicest glasses d) scottish and e) is really nice. We hugged and swapped numbers after discussing Weezer (we both agree that they were the beeeeeest band at last year's Reading.) She informs me that her coach on the way back to Scotland caught fire and her ex boyfriend caught us swapping numbers and hugging. Ha!

Monday.

I sleep for 2 hours and then return home. I eat a pie. Then sleep for 18 hours. Everyone agrees we should do it again next year.